ok my apologies for the mad longness of this chapter. ummmm, as usual there are some "bad" words in there and a smidge of nudity. lol. nothing graphic just...yeah. you'll see. lol
Chapter Four
“Arg!” Liz yelled before resting her forehead on the steering wheel of her car. All she wanted to do was get home. After three months, the L.A. traffic was getting less and less tolerable. Every day, bumper to bumper of the freeway was enough to drive the calmest person insane. She looked at her clock. Five-thirty. That would make it eight-thirty in New York. She dug around in her purse for her phone and dialed the number to her old apartment. As it rang, Liz looked out her window and noticed that the woman in the car next to hers was glaring at her and shaking her head.
“Hello?” Amy asked when she answered the phone.
The woman in the car-next-door scowled and made a “hang up the phone” hand motion. “Hey, it’s me. Hang on a sec.” Liz rolled down her window. “It’s not like I’m actually driving anywhere, lady!” She laughed when her neighbor’s response was to flip her off. “Sorry ‘bout that.”
“Do I even wanna know?”
“Nosey wh.ore next to me doesn’t approve of me being on the phone while I’m behind the wheel or something. Ugh. Sorry. Stuck in traffic. How was your day?”
“Same sh.it, different day. Just got in from my late class,” Amy said in a tired tone.
“Aw, you’re almost done! Only a few more months and then you’ll be out here with us.”
“I’m jealous of your us-ness.”
“No you’re not.”
“Ok, not really. Just a little bit. So guess who I saw at the deli this morning.”
“That old man with the one really long hair growing out of the bridge of his nose?”
“Duh, he only works there every Thursday. Dude totally sliced my bagel. But seriously, I’m standing in line, waiting for my coffee and in walks fu.cking Seth Harper.”
“Oh?” Liz pretended to be completely uninterested even though she had countless questions to ask about her ex-boyfriend. They had dated all throughout college, right up until the start of her final semester. It had been an easy break up. She had been the one to end it, claiming that they were growing apart and that after graduation she wanted to be free to focus on her career. But she’d expected him to fight for her, to protest, promise that they’d work through any problems post-college life would throw at them. Instead, he simply agreed. As the one that did the breaking up, Liz felt like she shouldn’t still be upset about how accepting he was of the situation but she couldn’t help it.
“He, uh, says hello.”
“How’d he look?”
“Good. His hair’s a little bit longer and he’s rocking the stubble again.”
“D.amnit,” Liz said under her breath. She’d always loved it when he went a day or two without shaving. “Did he ask about me?”
“Of course. I told him that you were living in Cali and working for the paper. And, oh my God, you should’ve seen his face when I told him you were living with the guys. He almost choked on his tongue.”
Liz smiled and suddenly traffic started to move very slowly. “So what’s he up to?”
“Oh, nothing,” Amy snapped.
“Ames…”
“It’s not important.”
“Just tell me.”
Amy sighed and Liz knew her well enough to know that she was twisting a strand of her dirty blonde hair around her finger nervously. “He got married over the summer.”
“Good for him.”
“To Shelby Green.”
“What!? Shelby Green? My Shelby Green?” Shelby had been Liz’s roommate for her first semester. She was notorious for bringing boys back to the room in the middle of the night to have sex with while Liz tried to sleep. She used to tell Seth about what a skank Shelby was. Now that skank was his wife.
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you…”
“No, no, it’s fine. I’m just…shocked, that’s all.” And she was. The reason she’d been attracted to Seth in the first place was the fact that he was just as laid back and unimpressed by people like Shelby Green as she was. Clearly, she was a bad judge of character.
“Honestly, I feel like maybe he’s a little shocked, too. He seemed a little bit too enthusiastic or something.”
Liz laughed and finally was able to get her car up to seventy-five. “Yay! I’m driving!”
“You’re cute!”
“I try.”
“So did I totally ruin your day?”
“You couldn’t ruin my day if you tried.”
“So what’ve you been up to?”
“Not much. I get to go to the UCLA/UNC game on Saturday.”
“Is that something I should be excited about? Or know what that means?”
“It’s a big football game. It’s my first really big story.”
“Aww, Lizzy! That’s amazing! I’m so excited for you!”
“I’m freaking out a little bit, honestly. It’s a huge deal around here.”
“You’ll be fine. Are the guys going with you?”
“Well, I could only get one extra ticket so…”
“Alex is going with you.”
“Yeah.”
“When should I expect my invitation to the wedding?”
“Amy, I’ve told you we are just friends,” Liz answered as she pulled off her exit.
“You’re not attracted to him at all?”
Liz sighed. This was getting to be a regular conversation. “Look, he’s not unattractive. He’s just not my type.”
“Oh whatever. You don’t even have a type.”
Liz pulled down the street and was pleasantly surprised to see that the black Jeep wasn’t in the driveway. “Oh my God!”
“What? Are you ok?”
“Oh, I’m better than ok. I think I’ve got the house to myself for the first time in, like, a month.”
“Oh my God. What’re you gonna do?”
Liz got out of her car and leaned against the closed driver’s side door. “I’m thinking grilled cheese sandwich and then a really, really long shower.”
“Sounds magical.”
“Oh, it will be.”
“And speaking of magical, guess who just bought her ticket for a flight from JFK to LAX!”
“Ahh! Two more weeks!” She walked up to the front door and unlocked it. “So what time are you getting in?” Liz dropped her purse on the couch and headed back to the kitchen.
“Um, it says seven so-”
“Oh my God!” Liz froze, mouth open in shock as she took in the sight in front of her. There, in the kitchen, stood Alex Noyes, completely naked, except for a tiny pink zebra-print bathrobe that only came down to his hips. He was in the middle of eating a sandwich but froze like a deer in the headlights when he saw her standing there. No matter how hard she tried not to, Liz had to allow her eyes a moment to scan his body, lingering exactly where they shouldn’t for far too long.
“Hello? Liz? Are you alright?” Amy asked through Liz’s cell phone.
The voice snapped Liz back into reality. She covered her eyes with her hand and spun around as her face turned completely red. She took a deep breath to steady herself. “Amy, I’m fine. I’ll call you back later.” She hung up and tried to think of something to say.
“What’re you doing home?” Alex asked, his voice a good octave higher from the shock of his current situation.
“What am I doing home? What the f.uck are you doing naked in our kitchen!?”
“…eating a sandwich…”
“Well thank you captain obvious! I’m really more curious about the naked part.”
“I thought I had the house to myself.”
“So you’re naked?”
“Yeah.”
“And it’s because you’re home alone?”
“Right.”
“And the bathrobe?”
“To hold my phone and iPod.”
Liz would’ve laughed if she wasn’t so flustered by the fact that she’d just seen one of her best friends completely naked. “But that’s my robe…”
“It was hangin in the laundry room and I was throwing a load into the drying and…look it seemed like a good idea at the time and, like I said, I wasn’t planning on anyone seeing me like this.” He hesitated before asking, “Do you want it back now?”
“Uh, you can keep it.”
“Are you ok? You seem a little tense?”
“It’s been a weird day. I get stuck in hel.lish traffic, find out that my ex-boyfriend is now married to a skanky whore, and then come home to all this,” she said, gesturing at him over her shoulder.
“Aw, I’m sorry. Do you want a hug?”
“Um, I would normally say yes but seeing as how you’re currently without pants…”
“Oh, right.”
“Where’re Mike, Jay, and Andy?”
“Went out to dinner. Didn’t you get Andy’s text?”
“No…”
“Well, I figured you’d be with them so…”
“You decided to embrace the natural look. I got it. What time did they leave?”
“Like twenty minutes ago. You could totally call ‘em up and ask them to wait for you.”
“After today I don’t think my heart can take any more human interaction.” She sighed and shrugged. “You wanna order some Chinese or something?”
“Sounds good.”
“Great. Um, could you do me a favor though?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Can you please put some clothes on?”
She heard Alex laugh behind her. “No prob. I just…”
“What?”
“Well, don’t judge me based on this. ‘Cause just before you walked in I had the fridge open and it was mad cold so…”
“Uh, sure!” she answered, even though she had been thinking the exact opposite of what he was implying. “I’m gonna go in my room now and then you can have a clear path up the stairs to pantsland.” She carefully sidestepped into her bedroom and shut the door behind her. She collapsed on the futon and listened to the sounds of Alex bounding up the stairs. She wondered if she would ever be able to look at him without her mind drifting to very non-“friends only” places. Thankfully her phone rang before she could form the entire mental image. “Hey. Sorry about that.”
“Are you alright? Was there a burglar in your house? Have you been abducted?”
“I’m fine, Ames. I was just a little bit startled.”
“By?”
“Just the giant naked man in my kitchen.”
“Umm, what?”
“Apparently being home alone is the only reason Alex need to be naked. Oh wait, he wasn’t completely naked. My mistake.”
Amy gasped. “Was he naked with shoes?”
“No, worse.”
“Oh, Lizzy, there is nothing worse than a naked man with his shoes on. It’s the epitome of awkward.”
“He was wearing my bathrobe.”
“Not the pink zebra one!”
“Yup.”
“But that thing barely covers you.”
“Well on him it’s purely decorative. But apparently it makes a nifty technology caddy.”
“Your poor robe. May it rest in peace.”
“Amen.”
“So…what’s it like?”
“Oh no. So not going there.”
“It’s really small, isn’t it? I’ve heard of that, tall guys with tiny di.cks. It’s some kind of weird physical anomaly, the whole mismatched stature and pe.nis thing. I mean, look at Mike…”
“When did you ever see Mike naked?”
“Sweetie, you don’t need to see him naked to know the man’s packing. And you wouldn’t see that coming since he’s so short, ya know? It’s those damn pants. They really don’t leave much to the imagination.”
“I’ve never really noticed.”
“Liar! And way to change the subject. I’m guessing that means that I’m right.”
“Not necessarily…”
“Oh my God! Just how big is it?”
“Lizzy, what d’you ant from the Chinese place?” Alex called through the door.
“Gimme one second,” she answered. “Ames, I gotta go.”
“Right, saved by the bell or whatever. Tell ‘the pistol’ I say hi. Oh and Alex, too.”
Liz laughed. “Oh, I love and hate you right now.”
“But you love me more.”
“Always true. Bye.” Liz got up and opened her door. Alex was spread out on the couch on his back reading the Chinese menu, holding it up over his face. “Feet.” Alex grinned and lifted up his legs. Liz sat down and he lowered them back onto her lap. “Thanks.”
Alex lowered the menu onto his chest. “So we’re cool, right?”
“Yeah, I think so. Can I just ask that you not be naked in the kitchen? I mean, you can go in and get a snack but maybe, like, limit the lingering. ‘Cause we eat in there and all…”
“You got it. But you’ll have to break it to the rest of the guys.”
“You’re all naked?”
“Not together. That’d be disgusting and creepy.”
“So at any moment there could be a naked man just hanging out around here.” Alex started cracking up. “Ugh, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Suuure you didn’t.”
“It’s just weird to me. I mean, how would you guys feel if I was just randomly naked?”
“I really don’t think any of us would have a problem with that.”
Liz blushed and grabbed the menu off of his chest. “Did you decide what you want?”
“You’re blushing!”
“No, I’m not. Hmm, beef lo mien sounds good.”
“I made you blush! That’s totally a first. I need a picture of this. It needs to be documented.” He reached into his pocket for his phone.
“Don’t you dare!” She laughed and put her hands up to block the camera lens.
“Hold still, da.mnit!” Liz laughed and reached for the phone but Alex used his legs to hold her in place like a seat belt. “This could be already over if you’d quit resisting.”
The flash went off and Liz used every ounce of strength she had to squeeze out from under Alex’s legs. “Give me the phone.”
“No way. I’m tweeting this s.hit.”
“Alexander-” She pounced on top of him but with a quick roll he managed to flip himself over. Liz reached underneath him, trying to pull the BlackBerry out of his hands.
“Jeez, Lizzy. I didn’t know the the sight of my naked bod would drive you into such a frenzy.”
“You’re a dic.k,” she laughed. She was lying on his back and could feel movement beneath them. “Are you tweeting?”
“…no…”
“Son of a-” She stuck her hand between his chest and the couch cushion. Luckily, she had picked the perfect moment and location because she pulled her hand out it had Alex’s phone. “Yes! I win!” She jumped up and held the phone over her head triumphantly.
“Oh, you are so-”
Liz quickly turned around and sat down on the middle of his back. “I’m so what? Amazingly skilled? Super quick?” she asked as she deleted the picture and smiled to herself.
“I was gonna say dead but now I’m thinking unforeseeably heavy.”
Liz ruffled his hair. “That’s what you get for taking a girl’s picture without her permission.”
“You’re just lucky my hands are stuck underneath me right now,” he said with a laugh.
The door opened and in walked the rest of the band. “Hey!” Jay said as he walked through the front door. He smiled when he saw Liz sitting on the couch then realized that she was actually sitting on Alex. “Do I even want to know?”
“No, probably not,” Liz answered. “You guys are home early.”
“We decided to just bring home some Mexican instead,” Mike said as he headed into the kitchen with two bags.
“Did you get me a quesadilla?” Alex asked, suddenly able to get himself up from the couch.
“You big faker!” Liz said as she slid off of his back and onto the couch.
“Oh, I had to let you win,” Alex said as he got off the couch. “Phone please?” Liz begrudgingly handed it over and shuffled into the kitchen, mumbling under her breath. “I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to speak up.”
“I said I should’ve let Amy believe what she wanted to believe,” she told him with a wink before joining the guys in the kitchen.
